


She Loves Me, She Loves Me Not

by redskittles30



Category: Women's Soccer RPF
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-30
Updated: 2014-10-10
Packaged: 2018-02-11 02:30:28
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 11
Words: 18,944
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2049990
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/redskittles30/pseuds/redskittles30
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Tobin is well aware of Alex's feelings. But her indecisiveness is doing more harm than good.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Give Me The Chance

**Author's Note:**

> New multi fic based loosely on something that's going on in personal life. Tell me your thoughts and if you'd like me to continue and see how it plays out. All type of feedback welcomed and appreciated. Enjoy! :)

_“I really like you Tobin. You deserve someone who adores and appreciates everything about you. You deserve someone who will give all of them to you. I know you don’t have a lot of experience with dating anyone but let me give you experience. Let me show you what it’s like to have someone worship the ground you walk on. To have someone who would do anything and give anything just to see you smile. To make you feel like you’re the most important person in the world. Please give me the chance to be that person.”_

It was supposed to be just a regular Thursday afternoon for you. Wake up, eat breakfast, and jump in the car and head to practice. But here you were sitting in the driver’s seat listening to Alex confess her feelings for you from the passenger seat never breaking eye contact with you.

You want to look away. You want to avert your eyes from the intensity of those baby blues of your best friend. But you don’t; no you can’t. Instead you stare back and watch as her eyes shine with a contradictory mix of confidence and fear. You fight to say something back, but you come up empty handed.

It’s not like you haven’t entertained the idea of you and her. Yes you were friends, but the more you got to know her, the closer you became. You felt a sense of stability and comfort and you were more than willing to hold on to that for as long as you could. When it came to you, it seemed like Alex didn’t shy away either. There were times you would think she felt what you were feeling. Always saying you hug the best, always wanting to sit next to you or be near you, and the lingering gazes and touches.

To be honest, that’s where you started to confuse your feelings. Were you attracted **to** Alex? Or were you attracted to the **idea** of Alex? Like she pointed out, you don’t have much experience in the dating department so it’s harder to sort out of these feelings. It was never a problem since you really didn’t care about being single or in a relationship. You were doing just fine on your own. And it’s that lack of experience and being okay with being independent that has you confused on whether you are in fact crushing on your best friend, or she is simply filling a void you don’t care that gets filled or not.

 

“Tobin?” Alex’s raspy voice breaks Tobin from her thoughts.

“Huh? Oh yeah. Wow, I don’t really know what to say Al. Let’s just get through practice today and we’ll talk about this when we get home?” Tobin asked distractly.

“Yeah okay. Let’s go.” Alex sighed but dropped it. Tobin was always good at dodging her feelings.

 

Practice came and went quicker than usual and Tobin felt like it had everything to do with the looming conversation that was waiting to happen. The car ride was awkwardly silent as Tobin tried to find a radio station and Alex stayed on her phone not daring to look towards Tobin.

The two arrived at their apartment complex. Alex went right past the door of her shared apartment with Allie and followed Tobin inside her apartment that she shared with Mana.

“So are we going to talk about this?” Alex broke the silence, thankful Mana and Allie went off with a couple girls from the team.

Tobin sighed and motioned for Alex to join her on the couch.

“Alex, I thought a lot about what you said. You’re right I don’t have a lot of dating experience, so I am not really sure what I am feeling. However, I do know there is something there between us.”

Alex nodded urging Tobin to continue.

“Let’s just see how things go. We continue how we normally are and if something happens between us then so be it. You know I don’t like labels. So I think it’s a fair happy medium; we’re both interested on some level, but we don’t have the pressure of the title.”

Alex visibly slouched as Tobin’s words sunk in. After a few deafening minutes of silence, Alex spoke up.

“Okay we’ll go with the flow. I really like you Tobin, and if this is the way it has to be for now, then so be it.” She smiled at Tobin with confident eyes that made Tobin feel relax a little.

“Sweet! Now let’s go to the park. It’s a beautiful day and you’re going to learn how to longboard.” Tobin announced.

Alex smiled widely and the two set off for the park. But sometimes outside smiles can mask internally hurt and can fool even those closest to you.

‘Come to your senses Tobin.’ Alex thought as she got in the car.


	2. Liquid Courage Surprise

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A step in an interesting direction.

It was the most painful game of cat and mouse… for Alex anyway. The past two months felt like years as Alex pined not so secretly for Tobin while Tobin wasn’t really acting any different.

Until now.

 

“Hey Lex can we go out this weekend with some of the girls and would you mind driving just this once because I feel like drinking?”

Alex almost spit out her water.

“YOU want to party?”

“Yeah, just feel like it this weekend. What do you say?” Tobin tilted her head to the side adorably and Alex couldn’t say no even if she wanted to.

“You got it Tobs.”

 

Friday night came and Alex found herself in Tobin’s apartment giggling at a frustrated Tobin ripping apart her closet for something to wear.

“Tobs you are hopeless. Here; black skinny jeans, white v neck, black beanie, anddddd.” Alex tapped her chin as she eyed Tobin for a second. “Definitely your glasses.” Alex smiled and Tobin returned it with a huge thankful grin as she grabbed the necessary clothes and dashed into the bathroom to change.

When Tobin came out, Alex shamelessly checked her out.

“You look great Tobin.”

“Thanks Lex. You don’t look so bad yourself.”

 

Finally ready, the two met Allie and Mana in the living room to wait for the other girls. By 11, the group of soccer players was in a bar in downtown Portland ordering drinks and having a good time.

Tobin got drunker and drunker as time went on. The usual 2 drinks the midfielder allowed herself quickly turned in 6 and lost count shortly after by the time last call came around.

“Tobs this way. C’mon, time to leave.” Alex tried to lead the midfielder towards the door.

“Byeeeee Allieeee!” Tobin waved vigorously at Allie or at least who she thought was Allie. Alex only laughed.

“Tobs that’s Nikki first of all. And even if that was Allie, she has to come with us anyway since you do live with her.”

“Whoopsie! HOME!” Tobin yelled as she first pumped the air and marched towards the car.

“Tobin get back here! That’s not our car!” Alex let out a frustrated sigh and she reached and grabbed the back of Tobin’s shirt.

After getting Tobin, Mana, and Allie to the car with difficulty, the 4 headed for home. The two passed out in the back as Alex drove while listening to Tobin slurring words to the song on the radio.

All of a sudden, Tobin had reached over and grabbed Alex’s thigh as she continued to sign. Alex tried to ignore it but found it increasingly difficult as Tobin drummed her fingers against the toned thigh.

‘Almost home’ Alex thought as she tried to concentrate on the road.

Then Tobin’s hand slipped higher.

Alex gasped a little in shock as she swerved but quickly regained control.

“Tobin what are you doing?” She questioned with eyes forward and missed the grin playing on Tobin’s lips.

“Nuffin.”

Alex didn’t ask any more questions and thanked the higher power that they arrived home. Unbuckling her seatbelt, she woke the other two up and started to get out of the car.

“Guys you go ahead. I have to talk to Alex about something.” Tobin stated and the two just shrugged before stumbling towards the apartments, leaving a confused Alex in her seat.

“What is it Tobs?” Alex asked with raised eyebrows.

But Tobin didn’t answer with words as she placed her hand back on Alex’s thigh as she maneuvered so she was hovering slightly over Alex and nuzzling in her neck.

“Mmm.” She mumbled against her skin as she stroked her inner thigh and traveled up and over her abs.

Too stunned at the sudden change in Tobin, Alex stood motionless in her seat. After a few seconds, she cleared her throat and tried to grab for Tobin’s hand. However, Tobin wasn’t having any of it as she slapped Alex’s hand away.

“Lay back and just go.” She purred in Alex’s ear as she dragged her fingers over the exposed skin right above the top of Alex’s jeans.

As quickly as Tobin’s drunk mind and hands could, she dipped her hand under the band of Alex’s pants and underwear and lightly brushed over her most sensitive area. Tobin scraped her teeth against Alex’s collarbone as she dipped a finger into her.

Alex’s breath hitched at the contact and she fisted Tobin’s shirt in her right hand as she grabbed the steering wheel with her left. Tobin’s hands clumsily worked as she struggled to find a steady rhythm but brought Alex to her edge never the less. With one final thrust, Alex spilled over the edge with a guttural groan. Once her breathing came back to normal, Tobin smiled down at Alex and pecked her on the lips.

“I’ll see you in the morning.” And with that, she slowly got out of the car and walked crookedly to her apartment leaving a stunned and confused Alex in the car.

‘What the fuck was that?!’ It took her a few minutes to compose herself as she headed towards her own apartment.

She tossed and she turned and tried to will herself to sleep, but Alex’s mind just wouldn’t let her sleep. The events in the car had her mind on overdrive and it didn’t seem like it was going to slow down anytime soon. What had gotten into Tobin? What was that in the car about? And damn why is she good even when she is a sloppy drunk?

Alex flipped over for the hundredth time and groaned when the clock read 5:45 in big red letters almost mocking her. She shoved her head under a pillow where she finally willed herself to fall into a restless sleep.

 

A loud beep and buzz sounded on the bedside table effectively waking Alex up. She groaned loudly cursing herself for forgetting to put her phone on silent. Rolling over, she looked at the clock that now read 12:23 and reached for her phone.

**Tobin: I blame you for letting me drink that much. Let’s go to the diner. I need hangover food.**

Alex read the message again and was confused at the nonchalant attitude.

**Alex: Sure. Meet you outside in 15?**

**Tobin: Sounds good dude**

‘Did Tobin have no recollection of last night?’

15 minutes later, Alex walked outside and found Tobin standing by the railing on her phone as she looked up when she heard the door.

“Neeeeed fooood.” She groaned as she cluctched her stomach dramatically.

“Maybe you shouldn’t have drank so much.” Alex chuckled.

“Maybe you need to babysit me better.”

“I am not your babysitter. And you’re the one who wanted to drink miss ‘let’s go party!’”

The two bantered back and forth the whole way to the diner with no mention of the car incident. As they sat down to order, Tobin buried her face in the menu while Alex just stared as she tried to figure Tobin out.

She looked the same. She talked the same. She acted the same. But how? How was she so calm and nonchalant after what went on in the car the night before? Alex must have been staring too long because she focused back in after hearing Tobin clear her throat as she met the gaze of Tobin and the waitress.

“Do you know what you want?” Tobin asked.

“Yeah sorry. Can I have blueberry pancakes please with a side of bacon and a fruit cup. Also a coffee with milk and sugar.” The waitress nodded and turned to Tobin.

“Can I please get the 2 egg combo. Scrambled, bacon, wheat toast with strawberry jelly, a fruit cup and coffee same as hers please?” The waitress smiled and grabbed the menus and left.

“I see drinking like a fish doesn’t curb your appetite.” Alex mused.

“Breakfast of champions. And I am a champion.” Tobin puffed out her chest and Alex just rolled her eyes

The two fell into mindless chatter as they waited for their food. When it arrived, the two fell silent and Alex felt like she was going to explode.

 

After breakfast, the two headed for home and Alex couldn’t take it anymore.

“Tobin do you remember anything about last night?” Alex blurted.

“More or less. Why?” Tobin looked at Alex from the corner of her eye.

“Well. It’s just uh. Well. Do you remember the car ride home? More specifically when we got home?” Alex looked down and played with her fingers.

“Yes I do.”

“Well?”

“Well what?”

“What do you mean well what?! Tobin you are aware of what you and your hands did right?” Alex asked dumbfounded.

“Yes I am aware of ‘what my hands did.’ Sorry I was drunk and sloppy.” Tobin shrugged as she continued to drive.

“And you have NOTHING to say about it? What did it mean? Why did you do it? I don’t get it.”

“I don’t know. I just felt like it?” Tobin shrugged.

Alex almost screamed in annoyance.

“What do you mean you just felt like it? You don’t just randomly think, _hey, I had a great time so let me shove my hand down my best friend’s pants and finger fuck her because I feel like it!_ ”

By the time Alex was done yelling, they had arrived home.

“Look Alex, I told you to go with the flow. If we hook up, we hook up. If we don’t, we don’t. Yes I was riled up and wanted to be close to you. So yes, I am aware of what I did because I did feel like doing it. Why are you getting so mad? You’re the one who said you liked me. Did things change? Because you need to inform me and then we can go back to how things were.”

“No I just. What does it mean Tobin? Yes I still like you, a whole hell of a lot. And it was amazing and we should do it again and often and you should let me do that to you too. Does this mean you like me too?”

“Obviously there is something there but like I said, go with the flow. If it happens, it happens. I don’t know what exactly it is that I want so let’s just roll with things.”

“Tobin you need to express yourself once in a while. You have to like me a little bit to do _that_ , so why not take the chance?” Alex asked clearly frustrated.

“Alex, drop it. Not everything needs clear cut answers.” Tobin fired right back.

“Fine! But all I am saying is, you should give us a try.”

“Maybe.” Was all Tobin replied as she got out of the car.

Alex followed suit defeated and the two walked up their apartments.

“I’ll see you later. Maybe we’ll see a movie later? Can be just us or we can invite Mana and Allie.”

“Yeah sure.” Alex agreed. Of course she agreed because she would agree to anything Tobin said.

“Cool.” Tobin threw up the peace sign as she entered her apartment leaving Alex alone to stare in her direction long after the door had clicked closed.


	3. Bend Before The Break

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> How much bend before the break?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Starting to get juicier chapters because that's what you readers deserve :)

Alex never knew the true meaning of frustration until she lived by 4 words. **Go With The Flow.** Sure there were the frustrations of not knowing what to wear or what to have for dinner. There were the frustrations of not scoring a goal or worse, losing a game. But nothing compared to the frustration of wanting Tobin, and not knowing what Tobin wanted.

The two fell into a predictable rhythm that was now running 6 months strong and hanging out 5 days a week. And the closer Alex and Tobin got, the more Alex thought she had a chance. However, the longer Tobin stayed silent, the more Alex was confused; and Alex was getting tired of it.

Alex and Tobin kept having petty arguments that always boiled down to the frustration with Tobin not voicing any opinions of the matter of “them.” The just go with the flow attitude quickly wore off for Alex but after what felt like 100th stupid fight, Alex shut up.

The two were coming home from getting ice cream and now were walking up from the car in comfortable silence. Well it was comfortable for Tobin while Alex was stewing in a mixture of anger and desperation. She stayed silent long enough and was starting to lose it.

“Hey Tobs, let’s go on a date tomorrow.” Alex broke through the silence.

“Why?” Tobin stopped and turned around.

“Because I think it would be fun. I’ll take you to dinner, and then we can do something fun after. Maybe explore downtown Portland?” Alex hesitantly smiled.

“We can do all that, but let’s not call it a date.” Alex stiffened at this.

“Why can’t we call it a date?”

“I don’t know. It’s more relaxed if we don’t. You know just-“

“Just go with the flow. Cut the crap Tobin! We have been doing this dance around each for the past 6 months. I really thought we were making progress. We were hanging out almost every day, you told me things in confidence that I know you are not comfortable with sharing out loud, and we were getting close. Why can’t we have one date? Why won’t you give us a try?” Alex fired.

“I don’t know what my feelings are, Alex. I don’t like pressure or labels.” Tobin stated like she was offended Alex didn’t understand her after all this time.

“Well maybe if you try and talk about your feelings once in a while, maybe you can figure things out!”

Tobin huffed and started walking ahead of Alex but stopped a few steps ahead.

“I don’t have a lot of experience with all this stuff and I don’t know what I’m feeling. A part of me likes you in that way, and a part of me just wants to stay friends. But the constant pressure from you is annoying and frustrating and forcing me into talking is not that way to go about this!” And with that, Tobin started walking again.

Alex stood rooted to her spot as Tobin’s words sunk in. Then her legs started working and quickly caught up to Tobin right before she entered her apartment.

“Look I’m sorry okay. I just want to take you out on a date. I really like you Tobin. I’m really falling for you and these past 6 months I really felt like we were getting close. I’m frustrated because I used to be able to figure you out by I can’t read you about this. I don’t know what is going on in your head and I wish you would just talk to me.” Alex looked down and heard Tobin sigh.

“I’m sorry too. But I really just need time to figure this all out. That’s all I’m asking.” Tobin reasoned.

“Okay I will give you more time. It’s just you’re an amazing person Tobin. You are so beautiful and you have a heart of gold. You deserve to have someone care about you and willing to do anything to put a smile on that pretty face and I want to be that person.” Alex softened as she gazed into honey brown eyes.

“Thanks Lex. All I’m asking for is time.” Tobin smiled and walked into her apartment bidding good night.

 

So Alex relented and gave Tobin more time. Two months later, the two made plans to have a party in Alex’s apartment. Tobin had come over to help with buying supplies and they were just about done setting up when the doorbell rang signaling the arrival of their first guests.

2 hours later, the party was in full swing. The whole Thorns team had shown up plus an invited Sydney, Kelley, and Hope due to Sky Blue traveling to Seattle for their game. Alex thanked the apartment gods that their particular complex was more on the luxurious side and spoiling them with condo like apartments.

Alex was talking to Sydney when she noticed Tobin was missing. She excused herself and went in search of her favorite midfielder, finding her washing her hands in the bathroom upstairs.

“There you are! We need to go try and take down Sinc and Nadine on the pong table.” Alex giggled.

Tobin looked up in the mirror to see Alex and smiled a toothy grin.

“Hey! Okay let’s do it but first…” She trailed off as she pulled Alex inside the bathroom and shut the door.

“Whoa there.” Alex was caught off guard as Tobin wrapped her in a hug.

The two stood in silence other than the music that could be heard from blaring downstairs for a few minutes before Tobin’s hands wandered down to Alex’s hips.

“You’re so great Al. You’ve been the best to me.” Tobin slurred and Alex couldn’t fight the smile from her lips.

Then Tobin’s hands traveled up and down Alex’s sides a few times before moving around back and squeezing her ass slightly. Alex had questions but no words came out as she fought her eyes to stay to open.

Then Tobin knelt down and trailed her hands up and down Alex’s thighs.

“What are you doing?” She managed to get out.

“Nothing.” Tobin chuckled.

A few seconds later, Tobin locked eyes with Alex as she unbuttoned her shorts and tugged them and her underwear down to her knees. Tentatively, she leaned her face forward as her mouth connected with Alex’s sensitive center. Her tongue swirled and explored for a few minutes as Alex gripped the sink with one hand and gently wove her fingers of her other hand in Tobin’s sandy brown locks.

Tobin was pushing Alex closer and closer to release when there was a sudden knock on the door.

“Who is in there? I gotta pee!” Allie’s voice sounded from the other side.

Shaken from their dizzying bliss, Tobin wiped her mouth and stood up as Alex pulled up her underwear and shorts.

“Hello? I’m coming in.” Allie jiggled the handle and opened the door just as Alex did her button on her shorts and looked at the flush complexion of her teammates questionably.

“Sorry Allie. Tobin thought she was going to get a sick.” Alex rushed.

“No worries, I just have to go and Brooks is in the downstairs bathroom.” Allie laughed as she shooed Alex and Tobin out.

“Our secret. I like our secrets.” Tobin giggled and headed to the kitchen, leaving Alex with more questions.

 

Both girls didn’t bring up the bathroom incident for the rest of the night. Three days later, and the two players still refused to talk about it. It wasn’t until late on the fourth day that silence was broken.

“Tobs do you have something to tell me?” Allie causally let out as the two entered the apartment after practice.

“What do you mean?” Tobin asked clearly confused.

“I don’t know; I just can’t help the feeling that you have something you’re not telling me whether it is you don’t want too or don’t know how to bring it up.”

“I’m sorry Al, but I’m not sure what you are getting at.”

Allie sighed and motioned for the two to sit on the couch.

“I went to lunch yesterday with Alex and we talked. She told me about some things and for my advice on what she should do.” Tobin visibly paled.

“Is that so? What did she need advice on that she couldn’t ask me for help?” Tobin cautiously asked.

“Tobin, she told me you two hooked up twice and she needed advice on what she should do and asked my opinion. She is really confused.” Allie got straight to the point.

“Are you mad that I didn’t tell you?”

“A little disappointed you felt like you couldn’t tell me but it’s not my business. What you feel comfortable telling me and not telling me is your own deal so I can’t be mad for that.”

“So what do I do?”

“Unfortunately nobody can tell you what to do but yourself. I can give you opinions and helpful tips along the way but it’s ultimately your decision.”

“That’s so helpful. Thank you.” Tobin rolled her eyes.

“Shut up, but you know it’s the truth.” Allie stood up and gripped Tobin’s shoulder gently. “I may not have experience with the whole girl/girl thing, but I am here for you if you need anything I hope you know.” She smiled.

“I really do appreciate it, thank you Allie.” Tobin smiled as Allie squeezed her shoulder and got up to go to her room.

As soon as Allie was out of sight, Tobin’s smiled instantly disappeared. She narrowed her eyes as they blazed with anger as she clenched her jaw and headed for the door.

Knock. Knock. Knock.

“Alex open up right now.”

Knock. Knock. Knock.

“I know you’re home so let’s go.”

Bang. Bang. Bang.

“ALEX!”

Tobin was seeing red. She trusted Alex. It was never supposed to be public knowledge. Until she figured her shit out, no one was supposed to know. Alex had broken trust, so now what?

“Tobin?” Alex asked confused breaking Tobin out of her thoughts. Tobin pushed her way inside.

“How could you? I trusted you. How do you just go and spill something like that. How am I supposed to give you a chance when I can’t trust you? You just can’t seem to not be able to shut your mouth can you?” Tobin was livid.

“Tobin what are you talking about?”

“What am I talking about? Gee I don’t know. Have any good talks with Allie lately?” Tobin chuckled darkly.

Alex was quiet for a second before realization washed over her features and she looked down.

“Oh.”

“Yeah. Oh. Now that you remember, care explaining to me why you went behind my back and talked to Allie about something private between the two of us?”

“I needed advice and Allie is the second person to know as much as about you as I do.”

“Typical Alex. Can’t leave shit alone and is always going to do what is best for her.” Tobin spat.

“What was I supposed to do Tobin?! You weren’t talking to me. All you kept saying was you needed time. How much fucking time do you need? It’s been 8 months. We hooked up the first time all those months ago. You blew me off when I confronted you and all you had to say was you needed time. I let it go and we were getting closer. I thought I finally had a shot. But then you brushed the topic under the rug every time I brought it up. We were fighting everyday so I shut up. Then 2 months later, you’re throwing me for another loop. YOU pulled ME into the bathroom. One minute you’re pulling my pants down and making me feel on top of the world and the next you’re acting as if it was no big deal. Then you go and ignore me for three days. What the actual fuck Tobin?!” Alex challenged.

“That doesn’t make it okay to break our trust bond! How am I supposed to be with someone who I can’t trust?” Tobin’s face was hot and it took everything she had to will herself not to cry.

“You can trust me Tobin! I just needed advice because you refuse to talk about your feelings. I can’t understand why you won’t talk to me and why you only show attention when you’re drunk. You know, I heard that you can do all that stuff sober and it still be fun” Alex tried to reason.

“You can’t force me to talk. 3 years of fucking friendship and you would think you would know that fucking detail about me. But you pushed and pushed and now look where we are at. I just. I just can’t.” And with that Tobin turned on her heel and walked out the front door.

“Tobin wait!” Alex called after her.

But Tobin kept walking and got into her car before peeling out of the parking lot.

“I love you” She whispered; tears slowly falling as she stared after Tobin’s car.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> With so much to make this story to come together, it should be easy to put a good story but I feel like this story is struggling. I may or may not toss this story but we'll see.


	4. You Look Like A Fool

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Try to come to your senses.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> fast forward a little bit so the story can keep rolling.

_“She’s using you.”_

_“She’s my friend too but she is being a jerk and you can do so much better.”_

_“She’s selfish.”_

_“You deserve someone that will appreciate everything you do. Tobin is not that person and she never will be. She is ungrateful and an asshole. Stop wasting your time.”_

_“It’s been a year and a half. If she didn’t commit yet, she is never going too. I love you Alex, but she is playing you and you are starting to look a little foolish.”_

It’s late at night and all Alex wants to do is go to bed. She wants to sleep off the difficult practice. She wants to mentally start preparing for their game against Seattle in 4 days. But she can’t. The voices of Allie and Mana and the rest of their teammates swirl in her head and are keeping her up.

She tosses and turns and when the voices don’t silence, she gives up and grabs her iPhone and headphones and hits the shuffle button. She readjusts herself and listens to the music hoping to drown out the voices. All too soon she realizes that the words of her friends have not stopped, but in fact, hidden themselves within the lyrics of her music. Once comforting melodies now taunt her as she rips the headphones from her ears and tosses her phone to the side.

Alex looks up to the ceiling and sighs. ‘There must be something I can do differently.’

Almost a week after the big blowout, the two met up to talk and both apologized. She changed tactics and decided to just let Tobin have the time she needed. Sure they didn’t have the label, but Tobin stuck around and that was enough for Alex.

Then the relentless giving on Alex’s part started which attracted the attention of her friends and teammates in a negative light. She drove Tobin everywhere. She was the appointed designated driver for bar outings. That was the first clue that their friends took notice. Tobin was rarely a drinker. However, with the sudden change in her demeanor with wanting to party all the time and Alex permanently behind the steering wheel, they started to question Tobin’s motives. The feelings of sympathy they had for what they thought was confusion for their friend, turned into annoyance as they felt she was playing a game for her own selfish gain.

Alex always paid for dinner even when Tobin would offer to pay. She would buy little things here and there just to make the midfielder smile when she was out shopping with friends. Alex’s money might as well have been renamed Alex and Tobin’s money with how much the forward spent on Tobin.

Tobin had Alex wrapped around her finger whether she wanted her to be or not. She was putty in Tobin’s hands and that’s what angered the rest of their team and friends. No matter how many times Tobin denied using the forward, she never said no to Alex’s offerings and that screamed selfish gain to their peers.

So here Alex was staring, at her ceiling trying to will herself to sleep from the voices that mock her for being stubborn and blinded by love. Voices that are laced with sadness for their friend and want her to be happy mixed with anger for their other friend who can’t seem to get her head out of her ass and commit.

Alex rolls on her stomach and buries her face in her pillow. Maybe they were right. Maybe she should give up and move on. From the start of her crush to where she is today, Alex has invested 2 years, 1 month, and 3 days into chasing Tobin… Not like she was counting or anything. Maybe it was time to move on.

“But I love her” She tearfully groans out loud in the darkened room as she falls into a restless sleep.


	5. You're Worth It

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Is the risk worth it?

It’s been a month since her friends words crept into her mind and kept her awake. Thirty days of the same physically and mentally exhausting routine of being kept awake until all hours of the night until she convinced herself into a false sense of security that Tobin was worth it and fell into less than restful sleep.

Tobin wasn’t making the situation better either. Constant jokes and constant shut downs were continuously adding more mental exhaustion and Alex was reaching her limits.

A month of:

“Tobs go out with me and be my girlfriend.”

“Okay.”

“Really?!”

“No.” Complete with a giggle.

A month of:

“We should get together.”

“No.”

“Why?”

“Because I said so.” Then a shrug.

A month of:

“Everyone already thinks we are dating so let’s just date already.”

“Do they really? Funny.” A giggle then a change of subject.

Alex was reaching her breaking point with Tobin. But of course she went along with it because she held on tightly to the gut feeling that told herself that Tobin liked her a little bit otherwise she would have been gone a long time ago.

 

“Tobs where do you want to go to dinner” Alex asked from the kitchen as she was getting a drink.

“I don’t know. You know I’m so indecisive so you pick!”

“That’s not the only thing you can’t decide on.” Alex muttered under her breath.

“What?” Tobin asked.

“I said you’re impossible.” Alex deflected.

The duo decided to order in Chinese and watch the Barcelona/Real Madrid game. With the second half starting and empty plates moved to the side, Tobin stretched on the couch to watch while Alex sat in the recliner occasionally glancing over at Tobin.

A while later, the game ended and Tobin yawned loud and stretched, pulling Alex out of her thoughts.

“I think I’m going to go. It’s late and we have practice tomorrow.”

“You can sleep here. I mean you are only two doors down.” Alex replied hopefully with a giggle.

“Nah, I want my own bed.” Tobin shrugged and got up.

Alex sighed and got up and followed Tobin out the door.

“Tobin, can I talk to you for a second?”

Tobin just nodded and leaned against the railing.

“What’s up?”

“Tobin it’s been over two years and I think I have given you plenty of time to sort out whatever it is you need to sort out. I want to know if you even thought about us at all and where you stand with it.”

“I thought about it a little bit.”

Alex raised her eyebrows.

“You did? And?”

“And what? I just don’t know.” Tobin shrugged and Alex sighed.

“You don’t know? How do you not know?” Alex asked incredulously. ‘How can Tobin be as oblivious with herself as she is with everything around her.’

“I don’t know Alex. You make me laugh and we do have a good time, but I just don’t know if we would work.”

“You don’t know if we work or not until you give it a shot. I am very confident that we are such good friends that say we try it and it doesn’t work, we can laugh about it and continue being the friends we are now. But we won’t know that until we actually give it a shot. I am so in love with you Tobin, and I want you to be my girlfriend. We can even be friends with benefits if that is what you prefer and don’t want the title. I just want to be close to you.”

Alex’s voiced cracked but she willed herself to not cry as Tobin just stared out over the railing wordlessly. Alex continued.

“Tobin we have been in this stationary limbo for over two years. We hooked up before and nothing bad happened. We don’t need titles but I want to know that I am not wasting my time. I don’t want to hook up once every 6 months. I would like a constant thing and I want that thing with you. You are special and wonderful and beautiful and I want to be lucky enough to have you. Even if you don’t want to tell anyone, we can keep it a secret. Nothing else matters as long as I know I have your attention.”

“I’m not sure I can give that to you. I really think you should move on. Be with someone who can give you all of them. I don’t think I can give you that and it’s not fair if we do go out and you have to hide.” She didn’t dare look in Alex’s direction.

“But I don’t care about all that! I just want you and to know that you think I’m special enough to be given the time of day! I would do anything for you Tobin and you make me so happy. You make me also the saddest person but that’s not the point. Good times, bad times, play fighting, nasty yelling then whispered apologies, flirty banter, adventurous outings, cuddling, kissing, touching; I want it all. And as selfish as that sounds I don’t care, because you’re special and worth it.”

She couldn’t contain in anymore. A few tears rolled down her cheeks as she sniffled, feeling broken.

But Tobin didn’t hear the sniffling and raised her voice, unaware of breaking the girl even more.

“Alex I think you should move on. This is not fair to me either you know! You are not the only one involved. I look like the asshole. I look like I am using you when you know that’s not the case. I do appreciate everything you do for me. It kills me to tell you no or I don’t know constantly. You know what; it is kind of jerky on your part as well! You know I hate and fear rejection, so why would I want to give rejection. And it’s not even giving rejection once; you constantly make me say no over and over and over again. That makes me look like an asshole to everyone. I feel like shit for making you feel this bad. It makes me feel like shit to have everyone look at me with judgment. So you know what Alex? You think I’m being unfair and hurting you for making you wait and feeling like something good is going to come and never does? Well guess what? YOU’RE being unfair to ME by making me look and feel like an asshole.” Tobin spat.

Tobin knew it was a dick move to turn the tables on Alex and make her look like the offender, but she was angry. Of course she felt bad for making Alex feel the way she was feeling. But she was hurting too, and no one seemed to see or understand that.

An awkward silence fell upon them and Tobin was trying to control her breathing when she finally heard it for the first time. She heard Alex quietly inhale air.

Upon hearing her light sniffling, Tobin turned towards Alex and saw her leaning against the door, eyes cast downwards and rubbing them. Tobin felt a tug at her heart at the broken girl in front of her. She never purposely meant to make her upset. She sure as hell didn’t want to make her cry. She knew she was being a little selfish but she just couldn’t get passed her wall and commit. Tobin just couldn’t commit for all her insecurities about herself and the insecurities of letting someone have even a piece of her scared her to death.

Tobin walked over to Alex and stood inches away.

“Alex.” She called softly and the girl looked up with shining blue eyes. Tobin felt guilty.

“I’m sorry. I’m scared and I don’t know what to do. I know I won’t know anything until I give it a shot but I don’t know if I want to risk it. For now, I say we are casual and we do what we are doing now. If we hook up, we hook up. If we don’t, then we don’t. No pressure, no labels, no heartbreak. While being casual, I think you should try to move on and talk to other girls. All I am asking to just to try… for me. And in return, give me 2 more months and I will have a definite answer.” Tobin spoke softly as she held eye contact with the girl for the first time all night.

Alex tugged her shirt sleeves down further over her hands and wiped her eyes.

“Okay I can do that. And you know why Tobin? Because you’re worth it. I really do love you Tobin and I’m willing to do whatever it takes to prove to you that I’m worth taking the risk for. To make you see I am not so bad and that giving us a chance will actually be a good thing and potentially a great thing. I truly believe that we balance each other out and are a perfect fit and I will do anything to let you see what I see. To see the positivity and wonderfulness that could be you and me. I know I can’t make you have feelings for me, but I feel like you like me a little bit. And it’s that little bit that I feel if I expose you too, a wonderful world that you never knew would be on your radar and make you happy that you took that little leap of faith.”

Alex offered a small sad smile and walked back into her apartment without another word; this time leaving Tobin to be the one to stare after the door has been closed.


	6. Hold On Or Let Go?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> If I jump, promise to catch me.

It’s 1 in the morning and you’re tossing and turning in bed trying to will yourself to sleep. Your body is tired but your mind is taunting and wide awake. You’re begging and pleading but your thoughts are showing no mercy as you squeeze your eyes shut hoping to trick your mind into letting you sleep. After what felt like the millionth attempt, you peak at the clock that now reads 1:30 and you’ve given up hope.

You angrily throw your covers to the side as you run a hand through your hair and get up to walk to the sliding glass door that leads to your balcony. Sliding the door open quietly, you walk out and sit down on the lounge chair as you hug your knees to your chest.

Sighing at your content and quiet apartment complex, you look up into the clear starry sky at the moon and can’t help but feel jealous and angry. Jealous because your complex is allowed to sleep, so why can’t you? Jealous that everyone is tucked into their beds dreaming away while you’re alone and wide awake when all you want to do is sleep and not worry. And you’re angry because while you desperately try to find someone or something to be angry with, the truth is you have no one to blame but yourself.

_How_ did you let it go this far?

_Why_ did you let it go this far?

You run your hand through your hair again and you sigh in frustration. This really is all your fault. And the worst part is that you’re not the only one hurting. There is someone else involved who is hurting as much if not more than you. And again you’re reminded that it’s your fault and you have no one to blame but yourself.

Looking through the door you can see your clock reading 2:05 and you force yourself to get up and go back inside. You’re tired and you really need to sleep.

Falling back onto the bed, you grabbed the discarded covers and wrap them around your body. You turn to lie on your side and you’re back to begging your mind to just let you sleep and you’ll promise to make it right.

_How_ did you let it go this far?

_Why_ did you let it go this far?

‘Please let me sleep’ you beg as you shut your eyes tighter and try to block out your inner voice.

‘I’m sorry’ you whisper into the darkness and maybe your mind knows you mean it because it gets quieter and suddenly you roll onto your stomach and your muscles relax. Your eyes aren’t shut so tight and now everything is completely silent and you have finally fallen asleep.

_But it only lasts so long._

 

Tobin stirred and rolled over reading the lime green numbers on her clock.

**5:53 am**

Burying her head under her pillow she tried to go back to sleep. After a few minutes and now wide awake, she gave up.

‘That’s as good of a sleep as I am going to get.’ She muttered to herself as she reached over for phone on the table.

**Tobin: Hey are you up? I’m sorry if this wakes you up**

She figured she’d take a chance. The girl was an early riser most days but that usually involved practice. Days off were sacred for sleeping in and she felt bad, but she needed the distraction.

**Mana: Actually I am. Everything okay?**

**Tobin: More or less. Early morning surf sesh?**

**Mana: If it were anything else not serious related I would think you’re crazy but it’s for surfing so I’ll allow it**

**Tobin: Sweet dude. Meet you by my car in 15?**

**Mana: Deal!**

Tobin quickly changed and grabbed a bag along with her board. She snuck in the kitchen to grab 2 waters and 2 bananas and quietly exited the house.

“You ready?” Tobin asked.

“Always!” Mana whisper screamed.

45 minutes later, the girls arrived and headed towards the water. The two were sitting on their boards just bobbing in the water silently taking in the surroundings. Early morning surfing was always the best time for tranquility; the quiet ocean and the gentle waves rocking them back and forth, the empty beach that was freshly raked from the beach crew, and the sunrise painting the sky orange and pink. As luck would have it, today the girls were accompanied by a family of dolphins swimming only a few yards away from them.

Early morning surf sessions were Tobin’s favorite especially with Mana. The Hawaiian native was one with the ocean and understood it perfectly just like Tobin. It was one of the main reasons the two got along so well and became close.

But being close to people had its downfalls. Downfalls like knowing the mood changes in the other person.

Mana took notice of how the tranquility that usually washed over Tobin’s face was now replaced with worry lines. The subtle turned down corners of her mouth to hint at a frown. The tensed up shoulders and slight clenching and unclenching of her jaw. Tobin was troubled.

The two continued to silently bob in the water for a few minutes before Mana’s voice broke Tobin out of her thoughts for the first time since the car ride.

“Why do I feel like there is more to this morning than just surfing?”

Tobin sighed and stared out towards the rising sun.

“It’s Alex. I don’t know what to do. I’ve been avoiding her for the past week.”

She knew that. She does live with Alex and their apartments are 2 doors away from Tobin and Allie. She also witnessed it at practice. But knowing how the fellow midfielder worked, Mana stayed quiet as she watched Tobin carefully waiting for her to continue if she wanted.

“I don’t want to lose her friendship. I really do like having her around but I don’t know if I can be the person she wants or needs.”

Tobin sighed again and whispered into the ocean air. “And I don’t know if I want to be.”

 If she was just a foot farther away, Mana was sure she wouldn’t have heard the admission at all.

 “What do you want Tobin?” Mana asked gently.

“I want her to stop hurting. I want to stop hurting.”

“I’m not attacking you but what are you so afraid of? Why can’t you just let go and try? You won’t know for sure unless you try.”

“It’s been almost 3 years, why can’t she move on?! If we haven’t made anything official by now, wouldn’t she think it’s not going to happen? Why can’t SHE let go?” Tobin challenged.

“Because she is completely in love with you Tobin and I know you know that.”

Tobin clenched her jaw tighter but Mana continued.

“Don’t change the subject. You want her to let go but you won’t? That seems a little hypocritical don’t you think?”

Tobin was slightly taken back. The shorter midfielder was always so bubbly and loving but here she was sassing Tobin. The stunned silence only urged Mana to continue.

“I love you Tobs. However, I love Alex too so I’m sorry for the tough love. You need to figure out what is going on in your head and soon.”

“I know that Mana, I really do. Alex has been so good with giving me all the time I’ve asked for and she does deserve a clear cut answer and no more of this joking and dodging of the subject.”

Mana smiled knowing that she had gotten through to Tobin just a little bit. She could only hope Tobin would stop being so stubborn and cowardly.

“Let’s catch some of these waves since someone woke me up at the ass crack of dawn!” She winked and splashed Tobin before paddling forward.

Tobin could only laugh as she paddled after Mana.

 

After a good session on the waves, the girls rode back into to shore and headed for the car to change and load up.

“Hey can I ask a huge favor from you?”

“Sure what is it?”

“Take my board and car and head home without me and then come back for me after sunset? I need some alone time.”

“I can do that. And Tobs? I’m here if you need anything at all. Call me when you’re ready.” Mana squeezed her shoulder with a smile and left the taller midfielder to herself.

 

The sun hit full peak in the sky and to Tobin’s surprise, the beach remained fairly empty. She smiled thankfully at the full extent of her alone time and leaned back on her elbows enjoying the warmth of the rays.

She sat there for a while with a certain emptiness to her; no thoughts, no feelings, just consciousness of the wind blowing and the waves crashing against the surf. But all too soon, Alex started to slowly creep back into her peace and she was once again faced with the messy situation she was in.

Dusting sand off her shorts, Tobin took to walking the boardwalk. After walking for almost 10 minutes, she took a seat in a shaded gazebo overlooking the water.

‘Alex does deserve a clear answer. Maybe they all were right. Maybe I was using her. Maybe I did take advantage that she was… is willing to do anything to make me happy. But I really do appreciate everything she does. No, I appreciate everything and I never would take advantage. I know that. She knows that.’

‘Do I want to be with Alex? I guess they are right that I really won’t know until I give it a shot. The true question is do I want too? Is it worth the risk? Should I put all reservations aside and just go for it?’

Just before sunset, Tobin called Mana to come get her. Tobin watched, admiring as the sun start to dip lower and lower kissing the horizon as it painted the sky different oranges, reds, and pinks. By the time the sun finally dipped under the horizon, Mana called to tell her she was there.

Climbing into the passenger seat, Tobin smiled at Mana and took to staring out the window staying silent for the ride home. Mana understood so she just turned up the radio and left Tobin to her silent thoughts. Finally home, the duo hugged goodbye as they went into their respective apartments.

A quick wave to Allie and then she was in her bedroom changing. Waking up so early and being out in the sun all day tired her out. Throwing on boxers and a tank top, Tobin collapsed on her bed and grabbed her phone.

**Tobin: I’m going to bed because I’m extremely exhausted but we will talk in the morning. I don’t know if I can give you the title. But I’m willing to jump if you promise to catch me.**

 


	7. Taking The Plunge

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tobin is ready to give, but will it last?

Alex stirred and rolled over, groaning at the sunlight that was creeping through her blinds and hitting her face. She stretched and turned her head towards her clock to read the time.

9:45 am.

Groaning again, Alex pulled her covers off her and headed into her bathroom to splash some water on her face and brush her teeth. Returning to her room, she grabbed her cell phone and went downstairs.

Halfway down the steps, Alex decided it was a good idea to check her phone and opened her messages after seeing 1 new message.

**Tobin: I’m going to bed because I’m extremely exhausted but we will talk in the morning. I don’t know if I can give you the title. But I’m willing to jump if you promise to catch me.**

She stuttered in her step, dropping her phone and almost falling down the last few remaining steps. Reaching the bottom and praying her phone wasn’t shattered, she picked it up and read the message again to make sure she wasn’t seeing things.

After the 4th time, Alex sat staring at a now blank screen.

‘Tobin wants to give us a chance? She actually wants to try?’ She thought about it? She thought about it! I’m okay with no title because I still have her attention. It was all worth it!’

Faster than her fingers wanted to move, she typed a reply and ran back up the stairs to get ready.

**Alex: Glad I’m stronger than you so you won’t hit the ground… not like that one time you swore you could catch me and we fell to the ground. Meet me at the field in an hour.**

 

An hour later, Alex was at the field kicking a ball around and shooting at the empty net. She just kicked the ball into the top right corner of the net when she was broken out of her concentration.

“Hope would have blocked that.” Tobin smirked at Alex.

“No one can save my lefty rocket shot.” Alex puffed out her chest.

“Right.” Tobin laughed and motioned for them to sit on the bench.

The two sat awkwardly side by side with Alex staring across the field and Tobin playing with her fingers.

“So…” Alex started.

“So…” Tobin finished.

More awkward silence before Tobin sighed and turned her gaze towards Alex, clearing her throat and causing the forward to look back at her.

“I can’t give you the title that you want, but I can give you my attention. I want this to be just between us for a while to see where things go before we start telling people. Are you okay with that?”

“I told you before I don’t care about the title. What I want is your attention. I want to be close to you. I want to be able to get close to you without you smacking me away in a “joking” matter or brushing me off. The title is not what’s important; you are.”

Alex held Tobin’s gaze. She watched as her words registered in her mind as the crinkles of her forehead followed the furrow of her eyebrows. She watched fear and uneasy hesitancy flash through her eyes. She watched her teeth take in her bottom lip as she chewed softly on it. Alex watched Tobin for a while until she finally saw what she had been waiting for, for three and a half years.

In that moment, Alex finally saw the doubt and hesitancy disappear and was replaced with a sense of acceptance.

“Okay.” Tobin stated simply.

It was all the assurance she needed.

She leaned in and gave Tobin a hug. She didn’t want to push the limits and shatter the delicate and fragile chance she had just been given.

Silence fell upon the two soccer players as neither one knew what to do next. Before her boost of confidence and bravery made her second guess herself, Tobin stood up and kicked up Alex’s ball and started to juggle.

“Want to play a little 1v1?” Tobin smirked.

“Only if you promise not to cry when I win.” Alex challenged.

“I think you mean you promise not to cry when I win.” Tobin fired back and took off towards the goal.

An hour later, Tobin smiled triumphantly as she nutmegged Alex and shot the ball into the back of the net.

“And that’s the gameeee!” Tobin shouted as she fist pumped the air.

“Cheater!” Alex pouted.

“Just because I nutmegged you, doesn’t mean I cheated.” Tobin pointed out.

“Yes it does.” Alex crossed her arms.

“Come on Lex. Don’t be like that. Let’s go for ice cream, my treat.” Tobin offered as she grinned a toothy grin.

Alex pouted for a few seconds more before she uncrossed her arms, grabbed the ball, and headed towards her car.

“That’s right your treat.”

Tobin ran to catch up with Alex and followed her to the car.

“Where’s your car?” Alex raised an eyebrow.

“Longboarded here. It’s leaning against your trunk. Can you put it in the trunk?”

“Sure. But you’re driving.” Alex hit the trunk button and threw the keys to Tobin.

 

Twisters was famous for all their different ice cream twist combos, so of course ice cream lover Alex couldn’t make a decision if her life depended on it. Tobin rolled her eyes at the indecisive forward after having already decided on the mango and pineapple twist 7 minutes ago.

“I just don’t know. Their chocolate and vanilla is just sooo good but the passion fruit and banana one sounds delicious.” Alex furrowed her eyebrows at the sign.

“I say get the passion fruit and banana one. It sounds good and I can try some. Plus I know you did not just make me wait almost 10 minutes just to order your usual.” Tobin was annoyed but laughed it off at the ridiculousness of the younger girl.

“Okay Ms. Sassy Pants.”

The girls ordered their ice cream and sat on a bench outside.

“Omg this is soooo good Tobin! You have to try!”

Tobin dug her spoon in and grabbed a bite.

“I am totally getting that next time!” Tobin smiled in delight.

She handed her cup over to Alex so she could try hers. Alex sighed in content and the two finished their cups and headed for home.

The ride was fairly quiet but it wasn’t awkward. Tobin drummed her fingers on the steering wheel to the music while Alex scrolled through twitter on her phone. Arriving home, they got out of the car to walk to their apartments, nudging each other’s shoulders the whole way up.

Tobin and Alex stopped in front of Alex’s door. Alex shifted from foot to foot as Tobin looked over the railing.

“I had a great time today. Mainly because I dominated in the 1v1, but the ice cream was on point. I guess the company was alright too.” Tobin broke the silence and smiled towards Alex.

“I want a rematch Heath and don’t cheat this time. And while the ice cream was good, I don’t know so much about the company.” Alex stuck her tongue out.

The two laughed and then a silence fell upon them once more. Tobin broke it for the third time that day.

“I guess sometimes you have to take a risk to enjoy life. I’m not saying this is going to be easy, but I’m willing to try.”

“I never liked the easy way. And you’re worth it.”

Tobin smiled and scuffed her foot on the floor before looking up into Alex’s eyes and saw nothing but an ocean of honesty.

With that boost of reassurance, Tobin leaned forward and kissed Alex softly on the lips. A few seconds later, she pulled away and smiled at Alex and turned towards her apartment leaving Alex in a dreamy stare.

 

 

 

 

 


	8. No Right Turn

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> No matter what, it feels like there are no right answers.

Mana was out with her girlfriend for the day, leaving Alex bored and by herself. She browsed the internet and surfed the channels, but nothing grabbed her attention. Frustrated, she grabbed her phone off the side table and opened her messages.

**Alex: I’m bored. Want to come over and watch a movie and maybe order in or go get dinner?**

**Tobin: Sure. I’ll be over in 15.**

**Alex: Sweet! See you soon.**

15 minutes later, Tobin came strolling in through the front door.

“What up yo.” Tobin casually threw out as she plopped on the couch next to the recliner Alex was in.

“Hey, so there is nothing good so I figured we can check out On Demand or Netflix.”

“Sounds good.”

The two girls could not agree on anything with On Demand so they tried Netflix. After arguing over She’s The Man or Mean Girls, Tobin won with She’s The Man.

Alex selected the movie and the opening credits started to roll and then got up to grab a drink.

“Want anything?” She offered.

“Sprite please.” Tobin replied without taking eyes of the screen.

Alex returned and handed the drink over to Tobin, lingered for a second, and then sat back down on the recliner. 10 minutes into the movie, she saw Tobin glance her way from the corner of her eye.

Tobin moved to one corner of the couch and stretched her right arm out and over the back of the couch.

“Want to come over?” Tobin asked quietly.

Alex’s face lit up and grinned as she got up from the recliner and nestled into Tobin’s right side and sighed in content.

Halfway through the movie, Alex’s smile never faltered as she nuzzled closer into Tobin’s side. But Tobin’s body blazed in an unwanted way.

It felt like bugs were on her skin as her skin crawled from the warmth of Alex. Her body tensed and her jaw tightened as it clenched together. She was no longer enjoying her favorite movie. No, the only thought that ran through her mind was how uncomfortable she felt. She had to get away.

“Hey, I need to use the bathroom.” She nudged slightly.

Alex got up to let Tobin up, and sprawled on the couch as Tobin practically sprung up and scurried to the bathroom.

Tobin locked the door behind her and stared at her reflection in the mirror.

‘You can do this Tobs. She wants this. She needs this. And maybe you need this too. It’s just cuddling. It’s just cuddling and nonexclusive and exclusive couples alike to do it. It’s normal. It’s okay.’

She splashed cold water on her face and stood there for a few more seconds to compose herself before gaining control and heading back to the couch.

Alex immediately sat up as Tobin sat down, and laid down and placed her head on Tobin’s lap.

‘You can do this.’ Tobin mentally noted.

The movie ended and the girls decided to order pizza. The two hung around and played some FIFA after finding there was still nothing on TV and then Tobin decided to head back over to her place.

“You can sleep here.” Alex suggested.

“Sorry Lex. Not yet.”

Tobin felt bad but she didn’t feel ready and Alex knew from the beginning it was going to be a slow process. But that didn’t stop the disappointment that washed over Alex’s face and Tobin’s expression softened.

“Soon though.” And Tobin placed a short chaste kiss on her lips before heading out the door.

 

Every day for the next week was the same. The two hung out whether it would be at practice or free time. They watched movies and ate dinner. They went to the beach to walk around and explore. They went to the park and played soccer. They got ice cream and walked around town.

Every day, Alex smiled so bright to be hanging out with Tobin.

Every day, Alex reveled in the time she spent with Tobin.

Every day, Tobin would kiss her goodbye before leaving.

But every day, Tobin felt like something was wrong.

And every day, Alex never suspected a thing; blinded and oblivious by the love she had for Tobin and the false sense of being loved back given by Tobin.

 

Having the day off, Tobin called Alex asking her if she wanted to go to the fair that was in town with some of their teammates. Alex immediately agreed because she loved the fair. She also felt excited at the idea of hanging out with Tobin AND their teammates. They haven’t hung out with the team together ever since their new arrangement, so Alex thought that maybe Tobin’s suggestion meant that Tobin was finally going to commit.

Allie and Tobin got ready and walked over to Alex and Mana’s apartment. The four soccer players piled into Tobin’s car and headed for the fair to meet up with some more teammates.

To Alex’s delight, the fair was up to par with the ones back in California. Vendors and games and rides littered the streets of Downtown Portland. Alex and Mana ventured off to the ring toss game while Tobin and Allie headed for the water gun game.

“You cheated!” Tobin accused.

“Did not!” Allie retorted.

Hearing their friends arguing, Alex and Mana turned to find the two midfielders heading their way.

“You kicked me with your foot making me slip and move off the target!”

“I told you it was an accident! Here! Take the shark then!”

“An accident that made you win. Coincidence? I think not!” Tobin crossed her arms and added, “And I don’t want YOUR shark even though it should be mine!”

Mana and Alex looked at each amused and turned back to the two arguing friends.

“What are you two fighting about?” Mana questioned.

“Allie cheated and won the stuffed shark I was about to win!” Tobin pouted.

“And I told her it was an accident! And I offered to give her the shark!” Allie tried to defend.

“You two are children.” Mana laughed in their faces.

“Tobin, apologize to Allie. I don’t think Allie would lie if it was truly an accident.” Alex tried to reason.

Tobin pouted for a few more seconds before she broke out into a grin.

“You’re right. I’m sorry Allie and congrats on winning!” Tobin smiled.

“Thank you Tobin. And it’s okay.” Allie smiled back.

“See? We can all get along. Now Tobin, stay right here and I will win you your very own shark.” Alex smiled as she turned towards the game attendee.

5 minutes and 15 dollars later, Alex was on her last ring.

“Come on you stupid ring! Just go over the bottle!” Alex yelled frustrated.

The other three girls looked on in anticipation as Alex threw her last ring and it spun around and around the top of the bottle before resting around the neck.

“YEAH!” All four girls yelled in excitement as Alex turned towards the attendee.

“Congratulations, what prize would you like?” A not so amused worker asked.

“The big stuffed shark please!” Alex announced proudly.

The worker went and got the shark and handed it to Alex who turned and handed it to Tobin, smiling shyly.

“Thank you Lex!” Tobin beamed and hugged Alex.

The four girls and new addition Chompers left the games and headed for a food truck. After finishing food and going on some rides, the group was exhausted and decided to head home.

While walking to the car, Alex decided to test the waters and brush her hand against Tobin’s to maybe hold it but Tobin pulled her hand away and muttered an ‘I’m sorry’ like it was her fault their hands hit. Alex frowned but didn’t try again as they reached the car and headed for home.

“You guys go ahead. I have to talk to Alex.” Tobin spoke as she parked the car.

The girls nodded and headed to the apartments as Alex unbuckled her seatbelt and turned towards Tobin.

“Today was really fun. Thank you for winning me the shark.” Tobin started with a smile.

“You’re welcome Tobs. I like seeing you smile.”

Tobin smiled but then it faltered as the rest of the day came back to her.

“I’m sorry I didn’t hold your hand. We were in public and I know we both hate hiding things from Allie and Mana, but you know… timing.”

“Tobin, I told you we don’t need titles and I told you we don’t need to tell anyone. Just you and me; that’s enough for me.”

“I know, but I feel bad because I know you want to show affection in public and it’s selfish that I am not ready. I’m sorry.” Tobin looked down and played with her hands.

“If you’re not ready to be public, I totally understand. You’re special and funny and beautiful and just. Perfect. You’re worth the wait Tobin. I don’t mind being private. I may not have you publically, but I still have you. You make me happy and I’m willing to do whatever it takes to make you comfortable.”

Tobin looked up into Alex’s bright blue eyes and her breath hitched. She didn’t see regret. She didn’t see anger. She didn’t even see sadness. Tobin saw nothing but love, honesty, and patience. Alex really was willing to wait until Tobin was ready.

And that made the situation a whole new level of complicated.

“Thanks Lex.” It’s all she could think of in response to Alex’s declaration.

They got out of the car and walked up to their floor stopping at Alex’s door.

“I’ll see you tomorrow.” Tobin smiled before looking around and placing a quick kiss to Alex’s lips.

 

Tobin waited until Alex was inside and the door was shut before making her way back down the steps, into her car, and in the direction of the beach.

She sat on the sand and dug her toes in and she stared out into the ocean lost in thought.

How was she supposed to feel? It’s only been two weeks and while Tobin’s heart said stick with it and let Alex fully in, her mind was singing a different tune.

‘Alex deserves someone that can love her with all of them. She is being so patient and I don’t deserve her being so patient. Things are so complicated; why did we both have to catch feelings. Do I really like her? Or do I like the idea of having someone?’

The wind picked up and Tobin hugged her knees to her chest and she continued to stare out to the ocean.

‘What to do? What to do?’ She sighed as she got up and headed towards her car.

She opened her messages and typed out a new message to the person she felt like she needed to talk to and headed for home.

**Tobin: We need to talk.**

 

 


	9. Limit Exceeded

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You'll eventually run out of luck.

Tobin left the beach and went straight for the practice field. She grabbed a spare ball out of her car and started dribbling around waiting.

“So you needed to talk to me?” The voice startled a concentrated Tobin and she stutter stepped and kicked the ball away from her.

Tobin looked up and gave a hesitant smile before walking over to the visitor and hugging her.

“Yeah, I have a big problem.”

Allie gave a comforting smile before sitting down on the bench and Tobin followed suit. While Tobin was the one to ask Allie to come, she didn’t quite know how to start the conversation. The two middies sat in silence for a few moments.

“I can’t be with Alex!” Tobin blurted and covered her mouth immediately as horror flashed through her eyes as she just spilt her secret.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to blurt that out.” Tobin looked down to play with her fingers.

“Take your time Tobin.” Allie was confused, but patted her knee waiting for the girl to talk.

She opened and closed her mouth a few times but no words came out. Frustrated, Tobin got up and jogged towards the discarded ball and slammed it towards the goal. The ball smacked the crossbar and shot off in the other direction as the frame rattled. Tobin kicked the ground.

“We’ve been secretly seeing each other for the past two weeks. She’s understanding and patient. Smart and funny. She’s perfect. She’s what I need.” Tobin’s shoulders dropped and looked at the ground as Allie approached.

Allie was about an arm’s length away when she heard the whispered confession float through the quiet Portland night.

“But she’s not what I want.”

The confession stopped Allie in her tracks as she stared at Tobin. Last time they talked, Tobin was still throwing out the “I don’t know card.” Come to find out, she actually made a decision to try her and Alex.

“What?”

“Don’t get me wrong, Alex is a great person. But she is not the person I want. I know it’s only been two or so weeks, but I just can’t get passed the uneasy feeling. She’s been nothing but great and all I can focus on is how my skin burns when touched by her. My heart says stay, but my mind says go.”

“You know I support you in whatever decision you make, but make sure this is what you want. This is not going to be something you can say “Just Kidding” and pick up where you left off. Alex is head over heels for you and while we haven’t seen her limits, baby girl’s patience is bound to run out sooner or later.”

Tobin hung onto every word Allie spoke. Of course she was right. Allie was always right and sometimes Tobin hated her for it.

“This is going to hurt her on a whole other level.” Allie whispered.

Tobin looked at her with sad eyes.

“I know that.” Tobin mumbled.

The two stood in silence for a few more seconds before Tobin’s blood started to boil.

“Of course I know that! I have an innocent girl who is head over heels in love with me and I keep playing with her emotions. I’m leading her on and I don’t mean too. I promise I really don’t mean too.” Tobin yelled, desperate for Allie to believe her. Allie hugged the fellow middy to try and calm her down

“Breathe Tobin. Just breathe.” Allie cooed in her ear.

Tobin shook for a few seconds before her breathing started to calm down.

“Talk to her.”

Tobin sighed and pulled away.

“I know.”

“Thank you for meeting me, I think I’m going to shoot around for a while. I’ll see you at home?”

“Whatever you need Tobin. Don’t stay out too late.”

Allie squeezed her shoulder and offered a small smile before turning on her heels and headed to her car.

 

As promised, Tobin only stayed for 45 minutes before picking up the ball and getting into her car.

Tobin pulled up to the apartment complex and threw her car in park.

Walking through the front door, she saw Allie in the living room watching TV turn towards her. Allie noticed the worry lines on Tobin’s face but didn’t have time to question as Tobin threw a quick nod her way and headed straight towards her bedroom.

After thinking for a few seconds, she decided it was best to not ask any more questions for the night and let Tobin have her alone time.

Tossing her stuff on the floor, Tobin collapsed on her bed emotionally exhausted.

‘How am I supposed to tell her it’s over? How do you tell someone that has tried to their hardest that it just isn’t working? How did I get myself into this? I just want my best friend back.’

Somewhere in the middle of her pity party, she fell asleep.

Waking up the next morning, Tobin didn’t feel any better. She knew she needed to talk to Alex.

**Tobin: Can you meet me in my car in the parking lot in like 10?**

Almost immediately, her phone buzzed.

**Alex: Yeah sure.**

She threw her hair up in a bun, grabbed some flip flops, and headed to door.

Allie was drinking coffee at the breakfast bar when she noticed Tobin.

“Feeling any better?” She questioned.

“I’m going to talk to her now.” Tobin kept it short and Allie responded with a simple nod.

Tobin got in the car and stared out her windshield lost in thought and didn’t hear the knock on the window. Alex knocked again before opening the door, this time breaking Tobin from her thoughts.

“Hey.” Alex rasped.

“Hey.” Tobin responded before looking away.

“Everything okay?”

“No.” Was all Tobin said.

The two soccer stars sat in uncomfortable silence for 5 minutes before it got to Alex.

“Want to tell me what this is about?”

Sighing, Tobin ran a hand through her hair and turned to look at Alex.

“Alex we can’t continue like this. I’m not happy and even though you say you are, I know you’ve got to be sick of the secrecy.”

Alex just stared with confused eyes and Tobin continued.

“You’ve been so great with all this but it isn’t fair to both of us. I can’t keep leading you on and I can’t stay in something I’m not happy with. I really didn’t mean to lead you on but it happened and I hate myself for it. This would be a lot easier if you weren’t so patient and understanding.”

Tobin paused to take a breath and continued since Alex was frozen from words.

“You should move on. Be happy with someone who can love you with all of them. I want to remain friends. I don’t want you out of my life. I just can’t have you in it the way you want to be.”

Tobin turned to make eye contact with Alex and her breath hitched.

_She was breaking Alex._

“Wha- what do you mean? Tobin I thought we were making so much progress.”

“We were at first. I tried, I really did. But I can’t give you want you want. I’m sorry.”

Alex’s blue eyes were flashing with anger.

_She was breaking Alex._

“Are you kidding me Tobin? YOU were the one who pulled me into the bathroom drunk. YOU were one who pounced on me in the car and slapped my hand away when I tried to get you to stop because I was afraid you would regret it and never talk to me again. Once could be a curious drunken mistake. But twice? I’m sorry but that’s not just a curious drunken mistake anymore.”

“I told you it wasn’t going to be easy. I told you I would try. Well I did try, and I can’t do it and hurt you anymore.” Tobin stuttered trying to talk.

“Have you ever heard of a drunk mind speaks a sober heart? Well you are the epitome of that with actions.”

“Yeah but-“

“But nothing! This is a bunch of bullshit Tobin. I’m not trying to force you to love me Tobin, but I don’t think we should give up because something is obviously there.”

Tobin took a deep breath and looked straight into Alex’s eyes.

“There was something there which is why I held on for so long. But I really thought about it and I can’t keep doing this. It’s not fair to you or me. We were best friends first. We can hold onto that, but I don’t believe we were meant to be more. I just want my best friend back”

Alex’s eyes turned a dark shade of blue but it wasn’t from lust or desire. It was something Tobin never saw in Alex’s eyes, let alone directed towards her. Alex’s eyes blazed nothing but rage and fury.

_She was breaking Alex._

“You’re full of bullshit Tobin. You can take you friendship and shove it up your ass. I have been nothing but patient and understanding with you. I waited for you for three years because I know this was all new to you. I really thought we could be something special; Alex and Tobin taking on the world. But you let your insecurities get the best of you. That’s not the Tobin I know.”

Alex was livid and as she opened the car door and got out, she couldn’t stop the word vomit and anger tears.

“The Tobin I know isn’t a coward. The Tobin I know is open minded and willing to experience things that could potentially be great. I don’t know who the fuck this Tobin is, but I don’t like it. I _wasted_ three years on you.” Alex spat before slamming Tobin’s car door and heading upstairs.

_She broke Alex Morgan._


	10. Bad Timing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Is it too late?

_“Tobin you’re perfect.”_

_“I’m not perfect.”_

_“You’re perfect to me.”_

_She goes to grab your hand and gives it a comforting squeeze. You look into her ocean eyes and they’re comforting and safe._

_Her smile is friendly and welcoming as a set of pearly white teeth poke through as her smile gets bigger._

_But then her eyes shift. They’re darker. And her smile is less welcoming and more intimidating like a creepy clown on Halloween._

_Her hold on your hand is tightening and it’s starting to hurt. You look down and you see her hand clasping around your own and clenching as she adds pressure._

_You look back up to question and her smile is gone. She’s frowning and her jaw is clenched. Her eyes narrow at you and you squirm trying to break free._

_“Lex, you’re starting to hurt my hand.” You beg as you wiggle your hand._

_“What’s wrong Tobin? **Friends** can hold hands.” And it’s the way she says friends that’s makes you feel uneasy._

_“Fuck you Tobin.”_

_“Fuck your friendship.”_

_“You’re a coward.”_

_Her grip is bone crushing and you can see your hand starting to turn purple._

_“Alex stop! My hand!” You shriek as you try to ease the pain._

_“Does it hurt Tobin?! Does it hurt?!”_

_“Yes! Alex please! Stop!”_

_But her grip tightens the louder you wail… and she laughs._

_“You see Toby. I would but… you didn’t stop from breaking my heart did you? No, you squeezed and you squeezed until you shattered it to pieces. So why should I stop shattering you? Make you feel what it’s like to have something broken.”_

_“STOPPPPP! PLEASE!!!” You wail._

_“STOP!”_

_“Tobin?!”_

_“Tobin!”_

“TOBIN! Wake up!”

All of sudden, Tobin jolted up in a sweat and pressure around her shoulders. It takes her a minute to adjust to the brightness and soon realizes she’s in her room and Allie is beside her.

“Tobin what’s wrong? You were screaming in your sleep.” Allie looks scared as Tobin tried to control her breathing.

Between ragged breaths, Tobin brings her hand up to inspect it.

Sighing with relief to see a perfectly unharmed tanned hand, Tobin looks up at Allie.

“I’m sorry. I just had a really bad dream about Alex.”

“What happened? I woke up to you screaming.”

“It was terrible. It started off with us being nice to each other and then all of sudden she went bazzurk. She started squeezing my hand to the point of breaking it because she was mad at me. I couldn’t get her to stop.”

Allie sat on the edge of Tobin’s bed with confusion written all over her face.

“Our talk last week didn’t go so well. I told her we couldn’t date but I wanted her back as my best friend. Then she basically told me to fuck off and told me she wasted her time on me and called me a coward. Then she slammed my car door and I haven’t talked to her since.”

“Wow that’s some crazy shit. Tobin I love you and all, but you kind of can’t blame her for getting so mad. She fell so hard for you and she thought everything was perfect when you were trying to be with her and she was reacting out of anger. But granted all that, she shouldn’t have said those mean things no matter what. You were best friends first and should be able to handle this like mature adults.”

“What do I do Allie?”

“Give it some more time. Time will allow her to cool off and then maybe she will be calm enough to talk to you. And take this time for yourself as well. Figure out what’s really going on in your head and try to give a better answer as to why you two can’t work. If you put everything into perspective and rationalize everything for her, she may be more willing to listen to you and you can get your best friend back.”

It was quiet for a few moments while Tobin let everything Allie just said settle in her mind. Allie was right. Maybe time was the answer; which was ironic since time seemed to be the enemy as well as the saving grace.

“Thank you Allie. And I’m sorry for waking you up.” Tobin looked down guiltily.

“Hey it’s okay bud. I was just worried and scared. I’m going to head back to bed. Don’t be hesitant if you need to talk more. Good night.”

“Good night.” And with that, Allie squeezed her shoulder and left the room.

Tobin tried to get comfortable again in bed as a subconscious pain shot through her hand. She rubbed her hand and sighed.

‘It was just a dream. You’re fine Heath. It’s okay. Your hand is okay.”

Calming herself down just enough, Tobin falls into a restless sleep.

 

A few days later, Tobin is still haunted by the nightmare from the other night. So lost in thought, she didn’t see Allie coming out of the bathroom and ran right into her.

“Shit, sorry Allie.” Tobin apologized.

“No worries.” Allie smiled but it faltered when she saw the distracted faraway look in Tobin’s eyes.

“Everything okay Tobs?”

“Huh? Oh uh, yeah. Just tired and not ready for practice today.”

Tobin tried to laugh it off. Allie was still suspicious, but decided to let it go for now.

‘Pull it together Heath.’ She thinks to herself before getting ready.

She did her best to avoid Allie for the rest of the morning and headed to practice alone. She placed her stuff in her cubby and took to the field just as everyone was starting to file into the locker room.

Once practice started, it was quickly noticed by the team something was still completely off.

Tobin was off doing drills by herself on the far side of the field while Alex took to the net for shooting drills, firing shot after shot at Nadine.

“Alex, easy there killer or you’ll break my hands and bench me.” Nadine joked as she shook her hands out.

“Just keep blocking.” Alex snarled as she fired off another shot barely missing Nadine’s head.

After an hour of more drills, Coach Riley summoned the girls for a team scrimmage. He placed Tobin and Alex on different teams unintentionally and the players got to work.

Sinclair sent a long ball over the other team towards Alex as she took off. So focused on dodging Vero and Marshall to meet the ball, she missed Tobin coming in hot on her right.

Tobin slide tackled the ball away, startling Alex and making her stutter and fall to the ground.

“What the fuck Heath? You could have taken out my ankle with a sloppy tackle like that!” Alex got up and fumed in Tobin’s face.

“Are you kidding me? I got all ball! It’s not my fault you didn’t see me coming. Maybe you should be more aware of your surroundings so the next person to sneak up on you is not an actually opponent and giving the ball away.” Tobin sassed right back.

Alex shoved Tobin before heading towards the locker room and Mana took off after her.

Tobin was stunned but brought back to reality when Riley’s whistle blared through the empty stadium.

“Practice is done for the day. Everyone is to be here tomorrow at 9 am sharp for a grueling conditioning day starting with full field sprints. I expect performance and attitudes to be better and cleaner tomorrow.”

Some glared at Tobin. Some looked at her with sympathy. Tobin ignored all of them and stalked off ahead of everyone.

Just as she was about to push through the door, two muffled voices caught her attention and she tuned in to the conversation.

“It’s not fair. She gets to walk around like she doesn’t have a care in the world while my heart breaks over and over again.”

“Alex, it’s been 2 weeks. You need to move on. And just because she doesn’t talk about it doesn’t mean it’s not bothering her. She keeps to herself in practice, and Allie told me she doesn’t really come out of her room.”

“Really?”

“Yeah, so relax love.”

“You know, the worst part of it all is along with all the hurt, I miss her. I miss my best friend but we can never get back to that point.”

“One day at a time Al. One day at a time.”

Tobin’s heart panged in her chest as the guilt built up. She waited a second longer before pushing through the doors, eyes glued to the floor as she made her way to her cubby.

“I’ll see you later.” She heard Alex say to Mana.

She missed the glare Alex gave her. She also missed the sadness you could see behind the glare if you looked hard enough.

Quickly grabbing her things, Tobin took off towards Alex.

“Alex! Alex! Wait!” She hollered.

Alex hesitated in her step but kept walking. Tobin sprinted so she was less than 2 feet away.

“Alex wait. Please.”

She stopped and turned to face the midfielder.

“What do you want Tobin?” She growled.

“I wanted to apologize for practice. I didn’t mean to scare you and make you fall.”

“It’s fine. Is that all? I have places to be.”

“Yeah I- uh. Nevermind. Have a good day.” Tobin dejectedly turned and walked away.

Tobin was almost to her car when she heard a faint “great slide tackle.” She turned around to see Alex give a small nod before getting in her car to leave.

For some reason Tobin’s heartbeat picked up and her stomach felt jittery. Tobin got into her car and instead of going home, she took off for the direction of the beach.

‘Got to clear my mind.’

 

Allie beat Tobin home, so she plopped on the couch and turned on the TV. When Tobin finally walked through the door, she looked up at the clock then stared the fellow midfielder down. Practice ended at 12 and it was now 9:47 at night.

“Where have you been? Practice ended hours ago.”

“Out.”

“Wanna talk about it?”

“No.” Was all she got as an aswer before Tobin disappeared into her room.

After changing into clothes to sleep in, Tobin grabbed an old leather journal from her dresser and sat on her bed after not being able to shake the forward from her thoughts since after the locker room. Even the beach couldn’t clear her head.

She flipped through the pages one by one, relieving all the memories captured on each page. Tobin stopped on a page in particular and smiled down at it. There were no words on the page; just a photo glued to the page. It was a picture from the night of the NWSL championship. Tobin was smiling wide holding up her medal with her arm around Alex’s shoulders and Alex was clutching her medal but she wasn’t looking at the camera. Alex was looking at Tobin.

A small smile formed on the midfielder’s lips as she traced over their faces and lingered on Alex’s.

‘That smile.’

Tobin shook her head at the thought wondering where it came from. She wasn’t supposed to think those things… So why did she want too?

Tucking the book under her pillows, Tobin crawls under her sheets and tries to fall asleep.

_“Guys I’m heading to my room. I’m tipsy and I want to sleep. See you girls in the morning.”_

_“I’ll be up in a little bit Tobs.”_

_“No rush Lex. Have fun.”_

_You stagger to your room and finally get changed and under the covers. That’s when you notice the weather outside._

_It’s thunder storming and although there is alcohol in your system, the drunken haze isn’t blocking out the loud claps of thunder and bright flashes of lightening. Why? Why does it have to storm when it was a clear night during the game? A night where Alex is out late._

_You toss and turn and try to ignore the weather, but the thunder claps louder and now you’re shaking. You groan at the clock and stare it down hoping that you’ve gained some psychic power to move time so Alex will return. All you want is your best friend to keep you safe._

_In all your rustling and whimpering, you don’t hear the door creak open._

_Seconds later, the bed dips and there’s a weight around you. You’re startled but then your senses tune in the smell of vanilla and you are suddenly still and calm._

_“I’m sorry it took me so long to get here. It’s okay. I’m here now.”_

_Her breath tickles your ear as her voice carries and vibrates your eardrum in a beautiful symphony._

_“It’s just a storm. I’ve got you. Go to sleep.”_

_“Thanks Lex.” You smile as you burrow into her embrace._

_Her arms tighten around you and suddenly everything is silent. You’re slowly falling into the abyss of dreamland when you hear the whispered promise escape her lips._

_“I’ll always be your protector.”_

_You smile and are just about to knock on sleep’s door when…_

_BOOOOOOM!_

The thunder claps so loud that it shakes Tobin awake. Disoriented, it takes Tobin minutes to realize that it’s not storming outside and she was dreaming.

‘Another dream? Cut me a break please big guy?

Turning over, Tobin begs for sleep but is rewarded with nothing but the silence of her bedroom.

Now wide awake, Tobin tosses the covers aside. She heads to the kitchen to make tea and sits on the balcony. Tea cup in hand, Tobin stares out and sighs into the quiet Portland night.

‘What have I done?’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry if the dream sequences seem too cliché! Next chapter is the finale so it's time to put up or shut up. Does Tobin realize she needs Alex just as much as Alex needs Tobin? Will Alex ever forgive her? Or will she continue to lie to herself and run the risk of losing someone who cares for unconditionally to her stubbornness and insecurities?


	11. Put Up Or Shut Up

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's time for a decision.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> credit to movie "The Hangover" for the reference.

Tobin woke up Friday morning the happiest she has been in the past month. Dealing with all the confusion and new light shed on the Alex situation, Tobin felt like she was drowning in her own thoughts.

But today was different because game day was tomorrow against Sky Blue. But Sky Blue coming into town only meant one important thing… Kelley was in town.

With a bounce in her step, Tobin grabbed her stuff, grabbed Allie, and dragged her to the car.

“Jeez Tobs, what’s got you so wired? Oh no… did you have an energy drink again? You know you’re not supposed to drink them after the incident!”

“You run around the entire Downtown Portland area at 3 am in all red feeling that you could run as fast as The Flash ONE TIME and you’re labeled a weirdo and banned from energy drinks. Not fair!” Tobin huffed as she drove to practice.

“Tobin that’s not normal! I don’t care how wired of energy you are!” Allie shouted but laughed hard after.

The two Portland midfielders playfully bantered the whole way until they reached the stadium and Tobin busted through the locker room doors.

“GOOD MORNING LADIES!” She smiled at everyone and headed for her locker.

Everyone gave her looks but didn’t comment. They were just glad to have their normal Tobin back.

The entire team welcomed the return of the Tobin they all know and love and practice was actually fun and unreserved. No one felt like they were stepping on egg shells. Even Alex had a lighter pep in her step and the scowl that seemed to be permanent the past month was replaced by a friendly white toothy smile.

Practice ended, and Coach Riley gave his usual pep talk he gave before game days. He also praised glory for a fantastic change in the practice atmosphere. After he dismissed the team, everyone headed to the locker room to change.

Tobin finished first and told Allie she would wait by the car. Halfway to her car, someone was trying to get Tobin’s attention.

“Tobin wait up!”

Tobin stopped in her tracks and took a deep breath. ‘Practice was good. Whatever she has to say, it will not dampen my mood.’

“Sup Alex?”

“Hey, I uh just wanted to say great practice. I don’t know what it was, but you seemed extra happy. It was good to see.” Alex blushed and looked down at the ground.

‘God that’s adorable.’

“Thanks. You were killing it in practice. Nadine probably hates you for all those goals.” Tobin smiled widely at Alex when she lifted her gaze to meet Tobin’s.

“She’ll get over it. I’ll see you at the game tomorrow.” And with that, the forward was gone.

‘Interesting.’

But Tobin didn’t have time to dwell as Allie emerged from the locker room and the two headed for home.

 

As soon as they got home, Tobin dropped her stuff and grabbed her cell phone and dialed a familiar number.

“Shellooo?” Kelley’s voice echoed into the receiver.

“I can’t wait to play you tomorrow Kells! More importantly, I can’t wait for tomorrow night for Tobin and Kelley shenanigans!” Tobin shrieked over the phone.

“I know dude! I can’t wait to see Downtown Portland again. Its scene is ridiculously good!” Kelley shrieked right back.

The two were going back and forth before Kelley cleared her throat and got serious.

“How have you been Tobs? I hear your voice is lighter.”

Tobin sighed and ran a hand through her hair.

“I’ve been better and I’ve been worse. Things have been weird and complicated with Alex for the past month but things seem to be picking back up positively.”

“DO TELL!” Kelley squeaked and Tobin rolled her eyes.

“She went from hating me, to nodding at me at practice, to being civil towards me. I wouldn’t say we’re friends again, but at least she isn’t pretending I don’t exist anymore.” Tobin thanked that Kelley couldn’t see her because she would know right away Tobin was leaving details out.

“Baby steps I guess. That’s better than still hating you. Maybe you will get your best friend back. I mean 2nd best friend.” Tobin practically heard the smirk in Kelley’s voice.

“Yeah, I already have Allie on my side.”

“That’s not even funny Heath.”

“You love me.”

“No I don’t.”

“Yes you do, and you know you’re my number one.”

“Damn right I am!”

“So full of yourself! Anyways, I got to head out for dinner with some teammates but I can’t wait to see you tomorrow! We are going to have so much fun!”

“Right back at you dude! Love ya!”

“Love ya too!”

 

The two national teammates and best friends decided to bar hop around Downtown Portland after their game in favor of Portland 3-2 on a nice assist from Tobin to allow Vero an even nicer last minute goal in the 89th minute.

“We won! In your face!” Tobin shouted over the loud music of the bar.

“It was a lucky break and I couldn’t get back fast enough to stop your cross!”

“Getting slow with old age!” Tobin smirked.

“You’re three months older and I kick your ass every time at the beep test!” Kelley defended.

“And grouchy too!” Tobin laughed as she nudged Kelley which started a nudging war.

The bartender noticed the two getting rowdy with each other and made his presence known.

“Hey you two alright?” he shouted.

“Yeah we’re fine. She’s just upset she’s old. Can we get 2 patron shots chilled please?”

The bartender quirked an eyebrow but obeyed and made their shots.

“To the two best friends that anyone could have!” Tobin rose her shot glass towards Kelley.

Kelley smirked at the reference and clinked with Tobin.

“Our secret wolf pack!”

A couple hours and many shots later, the two soccer stars were wasted and having a dance battle in the middle of the dance floor.

Kelley checked her phone during a bathroom break and noticed that it was late and she was going to get killed if she was caught out late.

“Tobyyy. Time to go!”

Tobin groaned when she heard Kelley.

“Ohh stoppss. Coach will kill me!” Kelley pouted.

“Okayyyyy.”

The two stumbled outside to wait for a cab and headed towards Kelley’s hotel.

After a tearful goodbye (thanks tequila), Kelley headed in the hotel but Tobin didn’t want to stop the party. She told the cab to take her to another hot spot bar.

Once inside, Tobin ordered a round of shots for her and a group of 4 fellow partiers.

“Don’t stop the party!” Tobin cheered.

“Don’t stop the party!” They cheered right back.

The group left and Tobin was by herself. It didn’t faze her and she ordered another drink.

Already wasted, Tobin racked up a 12 drink total for the night and was annihilated. Staggering towards the exit, she made it 4 steps before having to sit on a bench.

“Uh oh.’ She giggled to herself.

Slapping around her body, she found her phone and clumsily dialed a number.

“Hello?” The sleepy voice muttered.

“Lexieeeeee. Why are you sleeeeepinggg?!” Tobin asked a little too loud.

“Tobin? It’s… 4:05 am. Why the hell are you up?” Alex sounded more awake.

“I went out with Kelley. But Kelley go to bed. Pooperrrr!”

“Tobin where are you?” Alex demanded.

“Drinking and dranking sitting on a bench.” Tobin giggled on the other end.

“Tobin there are a lot of bars in Portland. You’re wasted beyond belief and you need to go home. I’ll call you a cab but you need to be specific where you are.”

“Get meee?”

“Tobin it’s 4 in the morning. A cab can come get you.”

“You.” Tobin demanded.

“No Tobin.” Alex tried to sound tough.

“Peeeeze? I pout!” Tobin tried to make the face even though Alex couldn’t see her.

She told herself she was done. She promised that she would no longer torture herself. She deserved better. She deserved love. She deserved to be happy. She deserved to sleep at night. She was Alex freaking Morgan.

But Alex Morgan was a glutton for punishment.

She was a glutton for pushing her body beyond its limits to be a better soccer player.

And she was a glutton for one Tobin Heath.

Alex gave up.

“Fine, where are you?”

“Eeeeep. On a bench.”

“TOBIN POWELL HEATH! WHAT BAR ARE YOU IN FRONT OF?!” Alex was losing her patience.

“You no yell!” Tobin ordered. Alex rolled her eyes.

“Please tell me where you are.”

“Ummmm. Kings.”

“Okay I’m coming. Stay put and call me if there’s trouble.” Alex hung up the phone, grabbed shoes, keys, and her wallet, and rushed out the door.

10 minutes later, Alex pulled up in front of Kings and saw Tobin tapping away on her phone. She beeped.

“Come on Tobin. Time to go home.”

Tobin looked up and smiled and bounced to the car.

“HI LEX!”

“Hello. Now buckle up.” Alex pulled away and headed for the apartment complex.

Silence lasted maybe 2 minutes.

“Sssorry I didn’t invite you. Kelley and Tobin time.”

“It’s fine Tobin.”

“Why are you acting like that?”

“Like what?”

“Cold and mean.”

“You woke me up at 4 in the morning piss drunk and made me come get you when you could have taken a cab.”

“Sorry. You’re safe.”

Alex hit a stop light just as Tobin said safe. She whipped her head to look at Tobin but Tobin was looking out the window.

She left it alone and arrived at the apartments 4 minutes later.

“Come on, you’re home.” Alex walked over to Tobin’s side and opened the door.

“Thanks you Alex!” Tobin smiled a toothy grin and went to get out but stumbled and Alex caught her just in time.

“Come on.” And with that, Alex threw Tobin’s arm over her shoulder and guided her to her door.

Once at the door, Alex went to remove Tobin’s arm but Tobin twisted to hug Alex and nuzzled into her neck.

“Thank you for getting me.”

“You’re welcome.”

Alex went to pull away but Tobin wasn’t releasing.

“Uh Tobin? We’re home.”

“No leave.” Tobin stated as her grip tightened and nipped Alex’s neck.

Alex jumped at the contact and pulled away from Tobin.

“Tobin what was that?!” She said slight annoyed but mostly shocked.

“I bited.” She announced proudly as she chomped the air.

“Well don’t do that.” Alex firmly said.

“Why? I want too. And I want to kiss you. And hold you. And you know… stuff.” She winked as she tried to get closer to Alex.

“No. No, you don’t get to do this Tobin. You can’t only want me every time you’re drunk and then act like nothing happened when you’re sober and then want nothing to do with me romantically. It doesn’t work like that. You can either have me all the time or not at all. Not just when it’s convenient for you.” Alex crossed her arms.

“But I do want you all the time. I realized my mistake. It may have taken me a while but now I know. It’s always been you.” Tobin replied acting sober but Alex knew better. Tobin could fool anyone when she wanted.

“Tobin you’re drunk. Go to bed.”

“Not until I get a kiss.”

“Why am I even trying to reason with you? You’re impossible when drunk.”

Alex took Tobin’s keys and pulled her inside and into her room. She laid out pajamas and instructed Tobin to change while she got advil and water.

When she came back, Tobin was spread eagle in the pajama top and her undies.

“Pants too much work.” Alex rolled her eyes at that.

“Here’s advil and water. You’re going to have one hell of a hangover tomorrow morning.”

Alex turned to leave before Tobin grabbed her wrist.

“Stay.”

“Absolutely not.”

Alex wiggled her hand out of Tobin’s grasp and walked to Allie’s room. Apologizing for waking her up, Alex took Allie to Tobin’s room and asked to keep an eye on her because she was drunker than drunk. Allie sleepily agreed and thanked Alex for bringing her home safe. Alex just nodded.

As she was about to push the door open, she heard something that made her falter in her step.

“She wouldn’t stay but I wanted her too.” Tobin told Allie brokenly as she sniffled.

Alex almost turned around… almost.

 

The next morning, Tobin woke sometime in the early afternoon and she wanted to die.

Her whole body hurt like she got hit by a truck, her head was pounding and extremely heavy, and the bright room hurt her eyes.

‘Kelley is dangerous to party with.’

Groaning, she rolled over and noticed the water and advil. She thanked the Big Man and swallowed the pill and downed the water.

Groaning again, she pulled the blanket over her eyes and tried to go back to sleep in hopes to sleep off the hangover.

Allie must have heard her because soon she appeared in the doorway.

“How are you feeling? Nasty hangover?” Allie looked at her amused.

“I want to die. Kelley is dangerous to party with.” Tobin mumbled from the sheets.

“You can’t fully blame Kelley, Tobs. From what Alex told me, she picked you up after Kelley went back to her hotel and you decided to party like a rock star by yourself.” Allie laughed.

“Alex?” Tobin whispered the name and like a freight train, all the memories from last night came back.

The first bar. The dance battle. Dropping Kelley off. Taking shots with strangers. Making Alex come get her…. And stupidly trying to make a move.

“OH GOD!” She groaned again and burrowed further into the blanket.

“I don’t know what happened. All I know is Alex was banging on my door at 4:30 in the morning and telling me to make sure your drunk ass was safe to sleep. She seemed bothered by something, so I suggest you go talk to her. We still have a quarter of a season left before playoffs. Feel better.”

And with that, Allie left Tobin with her thoughts.

Managing a shower and changing, she didn’t reek of alcohol so she decided to head to Alex’s.

Knock. Knock. Knock.

She scuffed her foot against the floor as she waited for the door to open.

“Coming!” A raspy voice sounded from the other side.

When Alex opened the door, Tobin was the last person she expected to see.

“Before you slam the door in my face, please hear me out.”

Alex crossed her arms but stood in the doorway and stared down Tobin.

“Go on.”

Tobin gulped and stared into Alex’s eyes.

“Before I say anything, just know I remember everything about last night.”

Alex arched an eyebrow as if to call Tobin’s bluff, but Tobin wasn’t bluffing and she was going to prove it.

“You’re right. I shouldn’t only show affection when it’s convenient for me or when I’m drunk. You deserve sober love. You deserve someone who is going to see you and their heart beats faster and stomach flutters. Someone who is proud to have you. Someone who isn’t afraid to hide in secrecy.”

Tobin took a breath and turned around to stare out in to the Portland City from the porch.

“I’m indecisive and make stupid decisions. On the occasions I choose to drink, I have one too many. But if there is one thing I know for sure…”

Tobin paused and turned back around to see Alex still at full attention.

“I’m sure that I’m not afraid anymore. I don’t like secrets. I was never good at them anyway; I never told anyone’s secrets, but always blabbed mine.”

Alex opened her mouth to speak but Tobin held up her hand.

“Please. Let me finish.”

“It took me a month after our fight to realize something. Then it took me another month to do something about it. My heart does beat faster. It feels like there are a million butterflies in my stomach with how much it flutters. I know you think I was saying stupid stuff last night because I was drunk, but it’s the next morning and I’m sober. I may be extremely hung over but my head has never been clearer.”

Tobin walked and stood right in front of Alex and pried her arms from their crossed position on her chest and grabbed her hands.

“Hear me loud and clear. I want you all the time. Not just drunk. Not just when it’s convenient. All the time. I want you when you’re happy. I want you when you’re so mad at me, you feel like punching me in the face. I want you when you’re sad and I can be there to wipe away the tears that those beautiful eyes should never shed. I want Alexandra Patricia Morgan. No more hiding. I want all of it.

Tobin felt like her heart was going to beat out her chest from nerves. It had to have been a solid minute of silence of just staring Alex in the eyes. Alex showed no emotion in her face. Her eyes searching Tobin’s for any sign of doubt.

She saw none.

Just as Tobin was about to drop her hands and walk away, Alex tugged on her arm and dragged her inside; first slamming the door shut then slamming Tobin’s body against the door and crashing their lips together.

“You can have all of it.” She whispered against the chapped lips of the girl she fell in love with who finally loved her back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well there it is folks.. the finale! I was going to end it with Alex giving up on Tobin and moving on because that's how it ended with the people Tobin and Alex represent. But I felt like I owed it to my loyal readers to give a happy ending to make up for the story that dragged at times and I think wasn't my strongest as some that I have written in the past. Plus even though some stories ending in angst are good, everyone loves a happy ending right? I want to thank you all for sticking with me and I hope even through the struggle, you enjoyed this story. Let me know what you think! :)


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